Perils of Central Europe

As Daniel put it, "God, we are in such a meat and potatoes part of the world right now." The culinary claims of Central Europe- currywurst, weinershnitzel, mayonnaise- send most people in either of two directions: a weight loss frenzy, or heart failure. Since Daniel and I had allotted basically five euros a day for museums and a billion gazillion infinity euros a day for food, we started each day with the same attitude, "maybe today should be about eating". Hence, with an extra ten pounds on my butt and with five years less to live, I stand before you: A survivor of Central European food.

Let's begin with the basics. A standard fast food cart looks like this, hailing the typical ketchup and mustard we all know and love. But wait, what is that prominently placed white triangle dispensing? MAYONNAISE. Germans do not even need the ketchup and mustard; they only want mayonnaise. Daniel and I ogled in shock and horror as Berliners stood at high tables drenching their french fries in mayonnaise. Not a dip, a DRENCH. A soak. A drown. A too much.

Don't believe me? Look how much gets dispensed with each pump:



EWW. But actually, not eww. So good. If you're not worried about your waist line or cardiac arrest, I highly recommend throwing out the Heinz for a good splash (I mean, immersion) in mayo's classy egg yolk and vinegar. Mmm.

As if this wasn't enough of a main course already, Berliners typically order their fries with a currywurst. Currywurst is sausage, cut up, covered in ketchup and then flavored with curry. It is death on a plate but it is incredible. European ketchup tends to be sweeter than what we're used to, so the ketchup-curry combo really changes the oily-salty-fried sausage into a tasty, sweet snack. But don't be fooled, as we realized, "that was so good, but now I feel awful".

Once we left Berlin, we though we would be able to give our aching, moaning, groaning bodies a rest. We were wrong. Obviously we couldn't go to Vienna without the classic weinershnitzel. We were excited; as the center of the Hapsburg empire, Viennese cuisine is high class- goose, veal- instead of the fields of pork I had been avoiding for weeks. Unfortunately Vienna seems to be stuck in a porcine fad as well, but finally we found a turkey weinershnitzel for me. It was fried to pefection, with a garlicy batter as light as, say, fish and chips. We plowed in and only when our arteries were crying for help did we come up for air. But as Cental Europe promised, coming up for air means turning from meat to potatos. When you're taking a break and end up treating potato salad like water, you know you're in trouble. This potato salad was amazing though; subtly oniony, not too heavy on the mayonnaise, and the perfect pair with the shnitzel.


If I ever stop burping, I'll admit that Central European food treated me well. I don't regret a single bite, I just never ever want to do it again.